Thoughts on 30

Today is my 30th birthday. In the last month I have gone from not caring, to feeling like a giant weight is tied around my neck, dragging me along. This brings me to today, when I can no longer say I'm a 20-something. Those surveys that ask you the demographics questions? I'm in the 30-49 age group. Holy crap. I'm now lumped in with the almost-50 crowd — the old group. Or at least, it used to seem old.

See, that's the funny thing about aging. I just didn't get it when I was young. I felt invincible, like a thousand birthdays were still in front of me. I felt like the whole of life was still in front of me. What college will I go to? Whom will I date? When will I get married? Will I have babies or not? What will I do with my life?

But as I've flown through my 20s, things have started to become narrower. All of those questions are already answered or well on their way to being answered. The length of life itself seems narrower, in fact. One thing I know at 30 that I didn't at 20 is how time just keeps moving, without regard for how much we might prefer it to stay in place. I didn't used to understand that everything is fleeting, whether I want it to be or not.

Here is a short list of things I've noticed that are different at 30, from most superficial to least:

The fine lines and dark circles under my eyes. If I were a celebrity, I'd get some toxic under-eye filler for sure. At least I don't frown a lot, so I don't have those deep lines between my eyebrows YET (oh, I realize they're coming anyway).

The sometimes achy joints. Every once in a while my knees will hurt, or my back will get a twitch. I think it's when the pressure is changing. (Could anything make me sound more like a grandma than saying my joints ache when the pressure changes?!)

The being called ma'am. This happens so often now I don't even think about it, but now that I am I'm pretty sure the frequency has increased to a hundred percent.

The realizing I might never feel like I have it all together. I thought by 30 I would feel definitively grown up and everything would fall in line. But I don't and it hasn't. I feel like the same person, just older.

The feeling content. At the same time, I feel the most content in my life that I ever have. I'm married to my best friend, I get to explore various avenues that interest me, we have a lot of mobility when it comes to travel and experiences, and I'm living in an area I enjoy. I can't see things getting much better than they are right now, and that's a great feeling.

The being sure in who I am. I absolutely didn't know who I was when I was younger. I can only be sure that I am a better, more certain version of that person. Even in the last year or so I have become much more confident in knowing myself than I was even a few years ago.

I've heard that your 20s are about figuring out who you are, and your 30s are when you get to be that person. Well, I've figured it out and today is the day where 30 feels less like a burden and more like just a part of the journey. I'm glad to be here because, really, where else would I rather be?

Pinterest Friday

If you don't already, you should probably know that I love Pinterest. I'm kind of addicted to it. I wasn't sure about the whole thing at first, but then one day it just clicked. I try not to spend more than say 15 minutes on it at a time, but sometimes it turns into 30.

I have a ton of boards with all different photos, diy projects, recipes, etc. but one of my favorites is the humor board. I think one of the best things about being alive is getting to experience laughter on a regular basis. Anytime I need a pick-me-up, I can look at this board and be guaranteed a laugh.

Here are some of my favs:

Happy Friday!

Confessions

Reading my list of random confessions over makes me feel a little crazypants, but here they are. 

• I've had the same mobile phone for more than five years. Flip phones — remember those? Yeah, I'm still rocking mine and it's in perfectly fine condition.
• I won't be signing up for any e-courses that use terms like "letting your soul take flight" or "juicy." ACK. No thanks. That sounds like code for airy fairy woo woo and no substance to me.
• I always like to know how long a movie is, even if I'm positive it'll be my new favorite. I get internally agitated when I go into a theater and don't know how long I'll be in there. And if I'm watching at home, you'd better believe I'll have the movie time counting down on the DVD player.
• I dislike people wearing shoes inside my home, especially if I'm living somewhere with carpet. Taking off shoes inside the door is a completely normal tradition in many other countries, and for good reason — how about we embrace it here in the U.S.?
• I have an intense aversion to glitter. I'm talking the tiny, stick to your face bits that coat various cards, ornaments, and other accoutrements around the holidays. It ends up all over and it's just not worth the hassle.
• I use a sound app to get to sleep every night, usually set to rain. It's just enough to get my mind distracted from my thoughts so I can drift off to sleep, next to someone who is out like a light two seconds after his head hits the pillow. (I'm clearly very envious.)
• I don't get Florence and the Machine. At all. I kind of want to, and Florence Welch seems like an interesting gal. But her voice sounds like a jackhammer to me, and the live performances I've seen have been way out of tune. Maybe I could take her out for coffee and a chat, no singing allowed.
• Speaking of entertainment, I am one of the — I don't know, five? — women in the world who isn't gaga over Ryan Gosling. Is it that he's built? Because, yeah, he is. But as a whole? Ehhhh. I'm out of the loop on that obsession.
• My 30th birthday is about a week away and I'm a lot less disturbed by it than I thought I might be. That I'll be to 40 as quick (or quicker) as I've gotten to 30 from 20? I don't even want to go there in my mind.
• I keep library books past their due date. I know, I know. But only books I haven't gotten to that are popular that I can't just check out again. Plus, I figure, if anything, it's my donation to an underfunded library system.

Do you have any confessions you'd like to get off your mind?

2012

I'm a touch late, but happy 2012. I hope you had a great holiday season like I did. This is the year (the month!) that I turn 30, and I'm trying to live my best January yet. I think it's kind of strange when people say they don't have resolutions but then go on to make a list of very resolution-like sounding things they want to accomplish. Is it the word? I guess it has bad connotations, but I'm not sure I have a problem with resolving to do something.

I do like to take the time after the chaos of the holidays — after I pack the decorations away, find homes for my gifts, and watch one last Christmas movie — to take time to set forth my intentions for the upcoming year. I have my running life list, but I also have more general things, and things I that get me closer to my life list goals, on which I want to focus my time. I fully accept that I might not accomplish them all or as completely as I would like, and that's ok. I don't consider it all or nothing.

1. Make healthy choices. Specifically, I want to make going for a walk a daily thing. Even if it just means a mile or two, it's better than nothing. I also want to participate in demanding fitness sessions at least three times a week. It's sounds so simple, but I've had a hard time following through in the past. I've had fits and starts and then I always let things deter me from doing what I need to do. No more. This is the time to get myself on track, and if I slip up? I get right back to it and don't beat myself up.

2. Meal plan. Seriously. I have been good at this in the past, but I've let other things get in the way of a regular schedule of market shopping and food prep. This goes with making healthy choices. As for food, I want to eat multiple servings of fruits and veggies, which should be easy to go as soon as I get back to meal planning and dusting off my VitaMix blender.

3. Try out DIY projects. I follow so many design blogs. I watch Nate Berkus regularly (and even take notes). I have pinned so many ideas on Pinterest that I could probably spend the next year on them and not even get through them all. So it's time for, I don't know, a handful? Yeah. That sounds reasonable.

4. Find a core group of friends. I haven't had much success with this so far. I live in a complex that is home to young-ish professionals doing their thing, walking their dogs, keeping their heads down. I don't blame them. I just have had a difficult time transitioning from "hello" to "hey, wanna hang out?" I want to get more active in my UU community and join a book club — just things that expose me to people I might have things in common with, or at least people who enjoy doing the same things I do.

5. Get organized. I have too many notebooks going and not enough structure. I also want to intentionally plan out my day and what I want to do. Much like meal planning, this can only help me be more productive and focused.

6. Be vulnerable. Be willing to say yes. Be willing to try new things. Be willing to put myself into positions where I might be shot down or looked at as a ridiculous fool. These are situations that make for great stories and rich life experiences.

And those are my intentions for the year — not too many and not too complex. They will require dedication and work though, and I'm sure there will be falls and bruised shins. It's impossible to make big strides without those, right? So let's grab the ice packs and go.

photo credit

BOOKS AND TEARS

She was sitting across from me in Sky Harbor Airport. She was alone, her carry-on bag tucked beneath her seat. Her flowing gray hair and sandals had me pegging her as an independent hippie lady, an experienced and fearless world traveler. She was holding a paperback in her hand, cupping her face with the other. She was totally engrossed, oblivious to anyone around her.

I spent some time checking my email and having a bite to eat. When I glanced up at her I saw her still reading. Suddenly her expression changed. Her face dropped, and tears began streaming down her face. She slowly re-read the page, shaking her head, the tears still pouring. She put the book down in her lap, lowered her face to her hands, and sobbed, her shoulders shaking. She continued crying for another five minutes or so before picking up the book again.





The memory of the gorgeous 40-something reader has stayed with me for several months. I wanted to touch her shoulder, to comfort her, and, of course, to find out what moved her to such forceful tears.

I'm not a big crier when it comes to books, but I don't think I'm purposely this way. Usually I'm surprised when it happens. The only ones that have moved me to tears in recent years are A Thousand Splendid Suns — I remember SOBBING (with capital letters) over that one — and The Book Thief. Though I enjoyed it as I read, I didn't expect to cry over The Book Thief. I sure did though. I remember finishing the last word and being utterly moved to tears after I put the book down.

Do you shed tears often? Are you caught by surprise when you do?

  photo credit